Title With Seventeen Syllables Seems Pretentious... To Me, At Least.

The assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford is a movie that had everything going for it but isn't a good movie. The cast is great. Jesse James is played by Brad Pitt, who is, aside from being a dream boat, one of my favorite actors. I've yet to see Pitt in The curious case of Benjamen Button, but everything else he's been in has been good. It may be because he is in great movies rather than him being a great actor, but as ussual he is solid in this. The cast also has Casey Affleck who, unlike his big bro, doesn't suck and another of my favorite actors Sam Rockwell. You can ussually count on Rockwell delivering a hilarious character in any movie that he's in. That is except this one. That's not Rockwell's fault though. There just aren't any jokes in The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford. Can you believe that? Not one joke. I don't think I've ever seen a movie without a joke; even Schindlers List had a joke in it.

Even the poster for this movie is boring

Lack of humor is reason enough to hate anything, but there are other reasons why I hated The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford. For example, the title is way too long. Why couldn't they just call it the death of Jesse James. You may think I'm being Petty, but you don't have to type the mother fucker out over and over again and then re-type it because you misspelled assassination. And secondly don't tell me Robert Ford is a coward befor I even see the movie, that should be something I learn throughout the movie.

Titles and lack of humor aside, the main reason I hated this movie was the narration. If I ever meet the screen writer of this movie, I am going to kick him in the balls with everything I got. Here is an example of the stupid shit they have the narrator tell the audience:

"Narrator:...Bob remained at the cottage and slyly migrated from room to room. He walked into the Master bedroom and inventoried the clothes on the hangers and hooks. He sipped from the water glass on the vanity..."

For all you screenwriters reading this, you don't have to tell me a character is drinking water, I can see that, I am watching the movie. Half of this movie is the narrator telling the audience things they can see for themselves. The problem with this movie is that it has this great cast but it's like three hours of nothing happening. Tony Colorado gives this movie Two thumbs down.