Chick flick and Tampax

I watched Mama Mia! tonight. Never watch a movie with an exclamation point in the title. My therapist told me to start being more positive, so I won't say anything negative about this God awful movie. The only positive thing I can say about Mama Mia is this: the movie is like one giant tampon commercial. A great tampon commercial with lots of scope, but a tampon commocial.

Check it out

Fluffer Horse

You know, I thought I had a pretty bad lot in life. I was dismissed from college, I'm out of work and I'm spending Saturday night updating my blog, instead of partying. I thought I was nearing rock bottom. Tonight I saw the truth. Tonight I realized it could get worse. Tonight one man put my life in perspective. That man's name James Marsden.

In case you don't know the name, he is the actor that played Cyclops in the X-Men franchise. And let me tell you, this guy has had it worse. This guy has been in five great movies: the X-men trilogy, Superman Returns and The Notebook.

Fluffed again. Marsden's shocked he's getting dumped after giving Louis a ride to the hospital.

Now friends, let me tell you about horse breeding. In the process of fertilizing a mare, there is something called the fluffer. Mares often kick at studs when mounted and the kick of a horse can be quite damaging to the reproductive system. Since stud horses can be quite valuable it is important that they aren't kicked. The fluffer's purpose is to see if the mare will kick when she is being mounted. They bring the fluffer up to the mare and have it mount her. If she doesn't kick they quickly pull the fluffer off and let the stud get to work. This is the worst existence in life. I don't know what's worse being forced off ones partner during sex or a bone shattering kick to the nuts.

James Marsden is the Hollywood equivalent of the fluffer horse. In the X-Men trilogy he plays Cyclops who is engaged to Jean Gray. In the final installment of the trilogy he is betrayed and murdered by Jean Gray, whose heart belongs to Logan. In Superman return he plays Richard white, the fiancé of Louis Lane. At the end of the movie she dumps him for her baby's daddy Superman, but not before mooching a last ride to the hospital. Lastly in the Notebook he plays Rachel McAdam's fiancé whom she dumps for her ex-boyfriend Ryan Gosling.

This guy, like the fluffer, horse has existed solely to warm up the women so the hero can sweep them of their feet. Luckily Marsden career has seemed to be changing. In 2007 he appeared in 27 Dresses. Now I haven't seen that one, but he plays the male lead and I thnk he gets the girls at the end.

So, the next time you feel down, think about James Marsden and the fluffer horse and remember it could be worse. And don't fret too much, even the fluffer horse gets to finish every now and then.

Where in the World...

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Panning Labyrinth

On paper, Labyrinth sounds like a stupid movie. It's a musical. That's gay. Most of the characters in it are Muppets. Lame. The bad guy is played by David Bowie. Weird. And Jenifer Connolly is in it, but she doesn't show her boobs or go ass-to-ass. Then why bother? I shouldn't enjoy this movie, but I do.

There is one thing I don't like about this movie: David Bowie's crotch. Bowie's Bulge is one the scariest things I have ever seen. To this day the Goblin King's crotch chases me in my nightmares. I was curious to find out how they achieved such a frightening thing. Here's what my research yielded.

Every time you read my Blog an Angel Gets it's Wings

With Christmas approaching, I thought it's time to talk about a Christmas movie. And not just any Christmas movie, I want to talk about the reigning king of Christmas movies, It's Wonderful Life. Since almost everybody in America has seen it, my synopsis will be short and to those of you who haven't seen this movie, what he fuck, were you raised by wolves?

It's a Wonderful Life follows the life of George Baley. He is a man with great ambitions and big plans for his life, which he gives up one at a time to to help the people around him. He gets discouraged and wishes he was never born. A blundering angel by the name of Clarence arrives and shows George how horrible his world is without him.

George Baley demanding a bigger trunk in which to keep his monstrous penis

People are so touched by this story that they have blinders for it. To say something negative about it's A Wonderful Life is tantamount to rape. But the movie does have its flaws.

The big problem I have with this movie is that it continues racial stereotypes that pervade our society. Say what you will about Jimmy Stewart. I'm the first to admit he is a great actor and his portrayal of George Baley is one of the great things about It's a Wonderful Life. While he may be one of the greatest actors to every step in front of the camera, he is undoubtedly among the worst dancers. I blame Jimmy Stewart's Charleston for starting the racial myth that white people can't dance. Many people love the dance scene. I don't. I just feel bad for me and my people.Here Jimmy Stewart gives birth to the myth that white people can't dance, while trying to seduce a girl who is clearly laughing at him. Spoiler Alert!: He doesn't hit that

I'm not alone in my opinion of It's A wonderful Life. When this movie came out the critics didn't receive it well. The director of this movie, Francis Capra, released several feel good movies like it. I guess there really can be too much of a good thing, because critics started calling his heart warming tales, Capra-corn. Yeah, they had a rapiers wit back in the forties. Those critics did have a point though, this movie is corny at times. But It's A Wonderful Life has aged well and what a minority of viewers see as corny most see as the innocence of a simpler time. For example, while still a boy George discovers that , in his grief his boss, the town druggist (note: that's not to be confused for one who worships drugs, back then the pharmacist was known as a druggist), has accidentally loaded a sick boys medicine with poison. Baley, knowing something must be done, seeks his fathers wisdom. As if we're to believe his father is an expert in pharmacology. He should have gone to the FDA. Regardless of their misery, no man should mistake poison for antibiotics. What was he doing with poison anyway. Who goes to the pharmacist for poison?

Another corny thing about this movie is the climax. George gets to see his hometown and the people in his life if he was never born. And it's the fate of his wife, who we are shown without George becomes a librarian, that chills him the most. Really George? Your most upset because without you your wife turns out to be a librarian? It's not the fact that his old boss the pharmacist becomes a drunkard, or that his Uncle is institutionalized, or that his baby brother is dead, or that the entire town is a cesspool of poverty. No his wife dons bookish glasses and he's learned what hell has befallen the people around him and he declares he wants to live.

Without him, George's wife suffers the worst fate: Glasses.

Look I'm no Scrooge, I just don't get all misty eyed because some guy didn't get the life he wanted. I mean he contemplates suicide because he's in some fiscal trouble and none of his dreams ever came true. Join the fucking club. You think this is what I wanted to do with my life...Blog? When I was a kid I dreamed I would be the divine ruler of North America. Maybe that's whats so great about It's A Wonderful Life. Most people's dreams don't come true and it would be easy to be discouraged by that. George Baley reminds us that if we measured life by what we give rather than what we get, it really is a wonderful life.

Can Millions of Thirteen Year old Girls Be Wrong?

Yes. While vampires a decidedly awesome, Twilight is not. See, the problem with this movie is that it's tailor made for it's target audience, which is thirteen year old girls. I found the first act intolerably dull and the second act unfulfilling. Throughout the movie I was optimistic. It seemed as if it was ever on the verge of getting good and just when it does get interesting the movie breaks away for the climax.

Whats weird about this movie is that it only has two acts. And the first act is this:

Spoiler Alert: This is what the first fifty minutes of the movie looks like.

The first first half of the movie is made-up of two things. First, is the main character Bella coping with being the new girl at school. The second is the male lead, a vampire by the name of Edward Cullen, staring down Bella. The first act is almost entirely composed of close ups of the two main characters looking at each other. Seriously, that's just about all there is to it. Well, that and a bunch of high school bullshit that nobody would pay ten bucks for. If I'm going to see a movie, which I know is about vampires, because the studio advertised it as being about vampires, I shouldn't have to wait an hour to see some cool vampire shit. Nobody cares about her playing volleyball, or fraternizing with mortals. People go to see a vampire movies, to see fangs and blood and a Gothic rape fantasies, not to get their first period.

I will say this, the vampire family is intriguing...when their not playing baseball. But their barely in the movie. You have to wait an hour before you see them. It seems as though they are going to release a sequel, because the book Twilight is the first of a series. If the sequels are lighter on the teen angst and delve more into the vampires, I'll give it my time. If it's more of this lonely girl crap and star crossed lovers nonsense, count me out.

Twilight's climax was disappointing. Sure it had a vampire fight but it came out of no where and was resolved too quickly and easily. After the final showdown with the bad guy, there's like a ten minute epilogue to the story and it shows how they all lived happily ever after, which for my taste is a bit too long to get that message across. The audience usually knows that the lovers will live happily ever after, because the bad guy is gone and all conflicts are resolved. But maybe the movies creators didn't have faith that their target audience would understand that. So they really had to draw it out. And it also allowed them to set up a sequel.

You know, I should have known this movie wasn't for me because of the poster.

The marketing strategy for this movie: Snuggling

It's just the two main characters getting close. No blood, no fangs, if I didn't know the movie was about a vampire, I would have thought the title was a reference to the girls curfew.

Hostel, Saw, and Snuff

I've never been a big fan of horror movies. Mostly because I know things that most people seem to be ignorant of. I know that a burn victim can't attack and kill me in my dreams. I also know that if said villain did kill me in a dream, I wouldn't really die. I know that a Rubik cube can't open a gate to hell. I know that no matter how hard some dorky goth duesche wishes, vampires will remain factitious. These are all, for lack of a better term, classic horror movies. But there has been a growing trend in scary movies as of late. These are the single-word titled flicks like Saw and Hostel.

These movies are very simple. Take some actors put them in a room and kill them, preferably in an elaborate manner that will cause a lot of pain and/or blood loss. For example, I wrote such a script, its' called Pretzel. It's about a yoga instructor who goes crazy and forces her clients into a contraption. The contraption twists the limbs (and, in the case of her male clients, the penis) into gruesome, knotty configurations, every time they lie about a missed yoga class it bends another limb braking it, until finally it breaks their neck.. The tag line is "Don't get bent out of shape."

Let me assure you that I am not a hypocrite. I'm not doing this for artistic achievement. I realize Pretzel will make a stupid trashy movie. No, I'm doing it for the money. See that's why Hollywood makes these movies like saw and final destination, because people, especially young women, like to be scared. It makes for good banging.

Here's my problem; these movies aren't scary. They're just gross. Fear is caused by the anticipation of something bad. Take Silence of the Lambs, remember at the end when Starling is wandering in the dark and Buffalo Bill is stalking her with the night vision goggles. And she's reaching around and you think shes about to get it, but then she shoots him...if you haven't seen Silence of the Lambs your probably shouldn't have read that. Regardless it's scary because, your waiting for the kill. These new horror movies don't really do that they just show an incredible brutal and gross death. They're like snuff movies in that way and if you like these movies you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

Roller Coaster of Love

You know when your trying to pick out a video with your girlfriend or boyfriend and the two of you can't decide on what you want to watch? That's because you both want to watch Fear. In my opinion it's the best chick flick of the mid 90's. Its got everything: heart melting love scenes, cool fight scenes, animal abuse, and a great cast rounded off by a pre-Charmed / post-Whose the Boss Alyssa Milano.

Fear, as explained by the program description on my cable box, is the story of a "naive teen (Witherspoon) [who] falls for a boy (Wahlberg) her father dislikes and finds he is a sociopath". But those of us who have seen the film know that it is so much more.

Alyssa Milano is the first thing that got me into this movie, because she's so hot. And who does this beauty choose to get down with?

This Guy!Alyssa Milano dry humping this guy

If this guy can dry hump Alyssa Milano against a cotton candy stand at the state fair, then I can dry hump Alyssa Milano against a cotton candy stand at the state fair. I can pull off the mid nineties grunge look, plus I'm a little less creepy. Milano is really good this movie; especially the way she flirts with and teases every guy with a speaking role in the movie, up to and including an 11 year old kid whom she claims, she will "ravage". On behalf of the men of the Untied States, let me just say, Fucking A.

The best and most famous scene of Fear has to be the roller coaster scene. Spoiler Alert! He finger bangs her on the roller coaster. Yeah, that's right, finger banging on a roller coaster. But when I stop to think about it where else are you going to finger bang your girlfriend at the State fair? The live stock pavilion? on a tilt a whirl? No, no, it's got to be a roller coaster. I suppose you could do it on a gravitron, if you don't mind being kicked out, because everybody could see, but hey, at least the kid that turns upside down won't think he's such hot shit. Now showing tanagers finger banging in movies is usually considered tasteless. However, Fear's roller coaster scene is pure class thanks to the Sundays playing the most romantic rendition of Wild horses ever. That's the song I want to play at my wedding.

This is the classiest shot I could get of the Roller Coaster scene

Finally, What I respect most about the movie Fear is that they killed the dog. Oh yeah, they went there. Throughout film history, dogs, being mans best friend and all, have been off limits as the victims of movie bad guys. Sure here and there a director chooses to off the pooch, most notably in Jaws. However even in Jaws the shark eating the dog is only implied by the owner calling the dogs name in vain. They could could have done something like that in Fear, but no. What do they do? They show the German Shepherd's decapitated head being hurled through a doggy door. Pure class.

So what did I learn from Fear:

I could hook up with Alyssa Milano
Always finger bang on a roller coaster
don't attempt to kill your girlfriends family

Jewish Dinosaurs

Growing up I watched and enjoyed a lot of animated movies, who hasn't? It's amazing how when you look back at them later they have different meanings. Case in point, The Land Before Time. If you haven't seen it, you clearly have crap parents. It is the story of an orphaned brontosaurus who leads a rag-tag group of prepubescent herbivorous dinosaurs to a promised land filled with foliage with which they may escape extinction. Spoiler alert!: Dinosaurs eventually do go extinct.

Littlefoot leading rag-tags

The Land Before Time, which incidentally is an inappropriate title considering time did exist for several billion years before the story takes place, loosely follows the formation of the nation-state Israel. For example, the dinosaurs are starving and near extinction which mirrors the atrocities of the Holocaust. The child dinosaurs are constantly hunted by vicious tyrannosaurs named Sharptooth who is definitely a Nazi. It is only after the fall of Sharptooth, literally he falls to his death, that they find the Great Valley and reunite with their families.

What made me realize all this is the symbolic leaf that the main character Littlefoot carries with him. It is a leaf aptly referred to as a "tree star". This is a clear reference to the Star of David which has some cultural importance to the Jewish faith which I don't feel like googling at the moment.

Littlefoot's tree star

Perhaps, the most heart warming aspect of the story is the friendship which is formed between Sarah, which is Hebrew for princess and the name of Abraham's wife in the Old Testament, and Littlefoot. Sarah is a triceratops whose three horns represent the holy trinity of the Christian faith. She lives by the maxim that three-horns (Christians) don't don't talk to long-necks (Jews). Throughout their journey the two form a friendship which allows them to overcome Sharptooth and find the Great Valley.

I know what your asking, where are the Muslim dinosaurs? And there are not any Muslim dinosaurs in this one, but there have been like twelve subsequent straight to video sequels so maybe Muslims' are in one of those.