The Furious Case of Tony Colorado

I just saw The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. This movie tells the tale of Benjamin Button (Brad Pitt), who mysteriously ages backward, as he lives through most of the 20th century. I would elaborate more, but it's unnecessary, just watch Forrest Gump, Seriously the plot is almost exactly the same, just switch a retard for a guy who ages backwards and a drug addict for a ballerina. Screenwriter Eric Roth penned both Gump and Button. Somebody on IMDB actually made a list of the similarities, you can check it out here.

Even as an old man Brad Pitt is better looking than I'll ever be.

I'll tell you one thing, unlike Benjamin Button, I didn't get any younger watching this movie. Button clocks in at an epic 166 mins. Now, I don't know how many hours that is, but it seemed to go on forever. A lot of people said they cried during this movie. I cried when halfway through the film, I realized I was only halfway through the film.

The first thing that pissed me off about this movie is that it's a story with in a story. The life of Benjamin Button is told through a women reading his journal to her dying mother. I hate reading, so you can imagine how angry I was to find out this movie was about somebody reading. Also what do I care if some old biddy is dying, I came to see a movie about a dude that ages backwards

The message that The Curious Case of Benjamin Button seemed to be communicating was that life is a miracle that should not be taken for granted. Most people who saw the movie appear to have been touched by this message. I was too at first. Then I realized that by spending three hours watching this movie I was taking my miraculous life for granted. In reality, I am amazed by life like once a week and I don't need a movie to show me this.

I think I had such a bad reaction to this movie because there was so much hype about it. I blame this on movie critics. For example, Bob Grimm of the Tucson Weekly wrote "The year's best looking movie." That doesn't say anything about the movie. That's not even a complete sentence. One review said, "a curiosity, you might say". When you say that your just fucking with people. Another review was "a terrific film". I heard this stuff and I thought "I have to see this movie". It's partially my fault for not realizing this is just some assholes opinion, but it's also the critics fault for presenting their opinions as undeniable facts.

So critics, let me show you how it's done. I think Benjamin Button was mediocre. While the special effects that showed how Button aged were interesting, they didn't blow me away. Like Gump, Button examines and communicates the universal experience of human life profoundly, but I thought those profound moments were few and far between in an almost three hour long movie. There were times I found myself engrossed in the movie. These were times when they showed a geriatric playing with toys, or an adolescent suffering dementia. I wished the movie had more of that type of Irony. I think this movie was almost great, but in my opinion it was the worst collaboration of director David Fincher and Brad Pitt to date.

City of God damn this is a great movie

One of my favorite movies of all time is City of God. Ironically, this piece of cinematic awesomeness has nothing to do with God, but there's plenty of drugs and murder. The movie follows the story of two boys from the City of God, not to be confused with the village of God, which has less violence and way better schools, as they choose opposite paths through a vicious world. If there is a hero in this movie it must be Rocket, who opts to become a photographer rather than take part in the violent life of Rio de Janero's most notorious slum. The villain, one of the best ever I might add, Lil' Ze, not to be confused with lil' Kim, chooses to live a life of pure violence and rule the city of God through its drug trade.

I didn't know before I first watched it, that it was in a different language, Which meant that I had unknowingly sat down for a couple of hours of reading. If your like me, then you hate to read, that's why you watch movies, right? But in the case of City of God I suggest suffering through it, because this movie is badass. It's hard to describe in words how badass this movie. This formula should explain it though:

Sorry for the blurryness. I had to write this on a napkin because I can't do it in Word. But if you click on the image you can see it in hi-def

Despite being choc-full of guns, drugs and all other breeds of cool shit, City of God is a serious movie that warrants deeper analysis. This movie shows how violence precipitates through generations. The movie opens with the tale of, what I dub the first generation, the Tender Trio. These are three teenagers who rob motels and gas trucks. They do this for personal gain and they also give back to the community. Kind of a Robin hood thing. The second Genration consists mainly of Lil' Ze and his attempt to seize power by killing off his competition and cornering the cocaine market. Shrewd. He uses killing strictly as a means of increasing his power. The only manner in which he gives back to the community is by implementing draconian punishments on those who do not follow his orders. By the end of the film the third generation, composed of tweens, is forming plans to kill those who they simply don't like. The audience is shown how over time a society that governs itself by violence decomposes into a people that can do nothing but kill each other.

Here we see lil' dice excelling at his favorite extra curricular activity, Murder in the second degree!

Here's the kicker this whole story, based on a true story. Thats righ,t some place in a country called South America was a ghetto where children roamed with no other goal than to kill one another. Badass. This movie makes me reflect upon my own upbringing. When I was seven I wasn't like these kids. I had a roof over my head, hot meal in my stomach and I never got shot at. It just lets me know how much of a pussy I really am.

To illustrate my point I've included this picture from my childhood. You'll notice that I have chubby cheaks, indicative of a ample nutrition, and in leui a gub I'm threatening someone with a Wolverine action figure

Chick flick and Tampax

I watched Mama Mia! tonight. Never watch a movie with an exclamation point in the title. My therapist told me to start being more positive, so I won't say anything negative about this God awful movie. The only positive thing I can say about Mama Mia is this: the movie is like one giant tampon commercial. A great tampon commercial with lots of scope, but a tampon commocial.

Check it out

Panning Labyrinth

On paper, Labyrinth sounds like a stupid movie. It's a musical. That's gay. Most of the characters in it are Muppets. Lame. The bad guy is played by David Bowie. Weird. And Jenifer Connolly is in it, but she doesn't show her boobs or go ass-to-ass. Then why bother? I shouldn't enjoy this movie, but I do.

There is one thing I don't like about this movie: David Bowie's crotch. Bowie's Bulge is one the scariest things I have ever seen. To this day the Goblin King's crotch chases me in my nightmares. I was curious to find out how they achieved such a frightening thing. Here's what my research yielded.

Hostel, Saw, and Snuff

I've never been a big fan of horror movies. Mostly because I know things that most people seem to be ignorant of. I know that a burn victim can't attack and kill me in my dreams. I also know that if said villain did kill me in a dream, I wouldn't really die. I know that a Rubik cube can't open a gate to hell. I know that no matter how hard some dorky goth duesche wishes, vampires will remain factitious. These are all, for lack of a better term, classic horror movies. But there has been a growing trend in scary movies as of late. These are the single-word titled flicks like Saw and Hostel.

These movies are very simple. Take some actors put them in a room and kill them, preferably in an elaborate manner that will cause a lot of pain and/or blood loss. For example, I wrote such a script, its' called Pretzel. It's about a yoga instructor who goes crazy and forces her clients into a contraption. The contraption twists the limbs (and, in the case of her male clients, the penis) into gruesome, knotty configurations, every time they lie about a missed yoga class it bends another limb braking it, until finally it breaks their neck.. The tag line is "Don't get bent out of shape."

Let me assure you that I am not a hypocrite. I'm not doing this for artistic achievement. I realize Pretzel will make a stupid trashy movie. No, I'm doing it for the money. See that's why Hollywood makes these movies like saw and final destination, because people, especially young women, like to be scared. It makes for good banging.

Here's my problem; these movies aren't scary. They're just gross. Fear is caused by the anticipation of something bad. Take Silence of the Lambs, remember at the end when Starling is wandering in the dark and Buffalo Bill is stalking her with the night vision goggles. And she's reaching around and you think shes about to get it, but then she shoots him...if you haven't seen Silence of the Lambs your probably shouldn't have read that. Regardless it's scary because, your waiting for the kill. These new horror movies don't really do that they just show an incredible brutal and gross death. They're like snuff movies in that way and if you like these movies you need to take a long hard look at yourself.